


Guilt

by ubiquitous_octagon



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angst, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28516431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ubiquitous_octagon/pseuds/ubiquitous_octagon
Summary: Set during 2x7:I feel that Asher's guilt due to what happened to Tiffany was glossed over, so I tried to incorporate it.orAfter Oliver finds the video he took at Trotter's Lake it sends Asher into a panic attack.
Relationships: Asher Millstone & Bonnie Winterbottom
Kudos: 4





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> This only mentions and references rape and it is not mentioned in great detail as this mainly focuses on Asher's guilt. If rape triggers you please keep yourself safe and I recommend you don't read.

Asher stumbles into the Keating house with a lot weighing on his mind. Thoughts of the pain he caused Tiffany and how pathetic he was whirring in his brain. A failure, born being fed by a silver spoon, who took the world for granted. It was his fault she was raped.

He stumbled into the room. The computer was blaring, an echo of that night with the rest of the room laughing about it. And he looked so happy, so free while what was being done to that girl was unthinkable. He was reliving Trotter Lake all over again. Flashes of her face as she was dragged upstairs and the broken look of horror, devastation, pain painted on her face in tears as she left.

"What are you doing?" He questioned. Why did they have it? How did they get it, did they know? Know what a dreadful and appalling person he was. Know the shame he felt or how he thought about that girl, her agony. Did they know he obliterated any chance she had at a normal happy life? He was just as bad as Bonnie's father. A sick twisted person who just stood idly by as Tiffany was shattered.

They kept mumbling and joking. Laughing at how Asher acted on the video- arrogant and spoilt. Laughing at his idiocy, his blindness to the events that happened there.

"Please, it's just a stupid thing I made in college." He was almost begging. Begging them to give it back, for them to freeze time and prevent him seeing her face, her face of panicked agony or that of carefree joy, unknowing to the horrendous thing about to hit her like a train. And yet he was still dancing, singing and acting like an idiot in all of his naivety.

Mocks and jeers reverberated in his skull about his money and his dad. Did they know his father covered it up? Removed the fact that it was his party from the equation. He was protected from the law, from the hideous act and almost the world. No matter how close it was happening, due to status and money- due to his father- he was safe and she was not.

"It doesn't matter, and I hate you, Oliver, for finding it." But it did matter. this was someone's life. Someone's life it was his fault for ruining. Someone's life he hadn't thought about in years preferring to erase the events of Trotter Lake with white out. Blank them and forget. But Tiffany would probably never receive that luxury. It must haunt her nightmares, her thoughts, her life. He felt his veins thrum. Breath coming harder and harder to catch. She came for a party and left a different person. Maybe if he wasn't as drunk or idiotic or if he actually paid attention Tiffany would have gone home smiling, joking, giggling not sobbing and sobbing and sobbing.

He took a wild swing for the laptop finally gripped it in his trembling hands, knuckles white. His eyes wildly darting looking for the quickest way to shut it off, shut it down, erase it from existence. Slamming his hands of the keyboard, he almost sighed in relief as the video stilled. The rest of the room still chuckling at the video and his desperate reaction. His eyes flashed to the screen as he sucked in a sharp breath. It was her. The video frozen and pointed at the stairs, the stairs that lead to hell. She was talking with them near the bottom of the stairs. Those who would go on to hurt her in such a cruel and vile way, the most despicable way. He scrambled backwards as he stared with glazed eyes at her luminous smile.

His back crashed into a wall, or maybe it was the floor. His head was turning and tilting, the world revolving like a spinning top around him. His heart beat with increasing speed, thumping like a stampede of elephants and yet a fluttering butterfly. Images of her flashed in his brain. A cold sweat dripped down his back spreading a chill to his heart. His ears rung as he tried to work out the murky voices that oozed out of the screaming silence. Tiffany's smile drifted into focus which was instantly shattered by the parallel of her sobs as she descended the stairs with wobbly legs. He looked at her, stared at her and yet getting another glass of punch was higher on his priority list. He was heartless. If he stopped for even a second to comfort a weeping girl he could have helped. If he looked, really looked (not glance like he did before), as she was dragged up the stairs by multiple men he would have realised. He would have been able to prevent it. And yet, he was so wrapped up in selfish pride, playing the part of the rich prat he failed to stop her life being destroyed.

He choked gasping pointlessly thing to suck in a breath. Ribs constricting and head swirling, he grabbed blindly forward trying to find an anchor. He was going to die and it was what he deserved. 

"I'm sorry," he croaked out. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry." An endless mantra of mumbles and yet it still wouldn't be enough to suffocate the guilt he felt, the pain she felt. He understood now why Bonnie hated him. Sick disgusting idiotic Asher. Asher the naive one who didn't even realised what was happening at his own party. Who got daddy and his money to paint over his mess. He deserved the pain he was in.

Suddenly, a sound pierced through his bubble of panic. 'Asher, Asher, Asher.' They were screaming, yelling for him, maybe it was the souls in hell preparing to torment him. Bonnie's voice filtered into his brain. A hand rested on his knee, it was so warm. Tiffany was hurt like Bonnie, Bon Bon would never forgive him and rightfully so. 

"It's okay Asher, just breathe. It wasn't your fault."

He gasped in a breath. Listening to Bon Bon's voice he slowly gained awareness again. His back hunched up against the wall, shoulder blades uncomfortably pressing into it. Bon Bon's hand rested reassuringly on his leg and the others concerned faces blinking around him. He sucked in another breath and started sobbing. Sobbing for Tiffany, for Bonnie, for all those affected by the evil and ignorance of others. Sobbing for his own guilt.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to focus on Asher's guilt about what happened to Tiffany. If I have offended anyone or wrote something incorrect with my mentions of rape or the description of the panic attack please comment below and I will do my best to fix it.
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated~


End file.
